Today was the first long-awaited rest day. Throughout the summer, we had ten rest days incorporated into the entire forty-nine-day trip. On most of these days, we provided different services within the cancer community. That means that we got to extend Ulman’s mission by not only connecting the communities we were running through, but also connecting different foundations and organizations. These service days made the entire team feel as though we were truly making a difference as we made our way from coast to coast. One year ago, today, we volunteered at the Ronald McDonald House, visited Lake Tahoe, and had our first “Why” meeting. It was an extremely busy day but was also one packed with meaningful experiences that taught me a lot. Throughout the summer, my mentality on survivorship and cancer itself evolved. Today, would set the foundation for this evolution and is the first day where I seriously thought about this aspect of my life that I had pushed aside and tried to forget.
---Volunteering at the Ronald McDonald House---
Having a rest day also meant sleeping in until around eight o’clock in the morning. It meant doing things on your schedule in the morning and not having to worry about rolling up your sleeping bag, packing your duffle, or getting the vans loaded. These lazy mornings came to be blessings that I looked forward to a lot. Our laziness wasn’t extended into the remainder of the day though. As people got up and started rustling about, the church got louder and soon everyone was up.
We all got breakfast, courtesy of Evan who cooked eggs and bagels for everyone. Then we took the vans over to the Ronald McDonald House in Reno, Nevada for our first service event. Reno was a short drive from Sparks, Nevada which was where we had slept.
Once we arrived, I realized the Ronald McDonald House was smaller than I expected. This didn’t mean that I was disappointed or that the Ronald McDonald House didn’t support the cancer community. In fact, the Ronald McDonald House blew my expectations out of the water. We got a tour of the facility and got to see the kitchen and the dining room that families can use. We saw the living rooms and lounge areas that families can use for relaxation and socializing when able to. Upstairs, there were a few levels of rooms for the families. Everything was provided. The amount of thought that went into the facility to make it feel welcoming, but also remains friendly to immunocompromised patients, was incredible. It was a home away from home. The fact that this was all free for families who needed a place to stay while their loved one was seeking treatment blew my mind. If my family had needed to travel further for my treatments, I knew we would be utilizing a place like this. I was so impressed that something as special as this was offered to patients and even more impressed that there are over three hundred and sixty-five of these locations throughout the United States and the world.
After the tour, we started working on cleaning and organizing the place. It was not often that the facility had twenty-eight additional people to complete a task. Many of the things we did today were small or large tasks that the foundation was putting off because of a lack of time or volunteers.
We split up into three different groups, one group cleaning out a shed, another the basement, and the last group was cooking for the families. My group was cleaning out the shed and we quickly broke a sweat in the heat of the day. We brought everything out to inventory, including fundraising signs, donated paper goods, soap, and various other things the chapter had accumulated over the years. There was even a life-size statue of Ronald McDonald himself. The basement crew worked with us to decide what should go to the basement and what should go to the shed. When we were done, it looked perfectly organized. The volunteers who work there thanked us for what we had done. Now, they could find things when they needed them and knew what was available in stock too. When the inside crew was done baking cookies and we were done with the basement and shed, the Ronald McDonald Coordinator offered to bring us over to the hospital.
Renown Regional Medical Center was only a short five-minute walk away and housed the pediatric cancer center that the Reno Ronald McDonald House was affiliated with. I was fortunate to experience this part of the trip as the hospital did not want the entire team to walk through the unit. I think only ten or so of us could visit cancer patients today so that we did not overcrowd the area.
Visiting the unit was more meaningful because we had helped the Ronald McDonald House before visiting the patients that directly benefited from this. But it brought back memories of my own treatment as well. For some reason, all through nursing school I loved clinical and was not bothered walking into a unit. Memories of my treatment didn’t come back in an uncontrollable wave and I wasn’t uncomfortable. But when I had my pediatric rotation at Connecticut Children’s Medical Center, in the hospital where I was treated, this was not the case. I found it hard to concentrate and I was anxious the entire clinical rotation. I knew that I liked nursing, but I also knew that pediatric oncology wasn’t for me. Seeing young patients in the same situation I was in, made my heart break. It made my complicated emotions and survivor’s guilt worse. In short, there were too many memories and emotions still associated with the environment. Here in Reno, Nevada thousands of miles from Connecticut Children’s Medical Center, these feelings were still there. They were not as strong but still present regardless. The good memories and the bad memories came flooding back. As we walked around, I think a few of my teammates saw me tense up, but I told them I was okay. I was confident that a lot of us were experiencing the same quiet emotions in our heads as we walked through the unit. So many of my teammates had close relatives go through treatment centers just like this. If it was anything like my family, they would have been in the cancer center as much as I was. I think that this part of the day was silently tough for everyone present.
We walked around and spoke with some current patients. Explaining what we were doing for them and other families affected by cancer was incredible. We couldn’t talk to a lot of patients but the few we were able to talk with made it even more worth it. Whenever I had visitors during my treatments from foundations and those in the community who were donating their time for cancer patients, it made my day. I only hoped we were doing the same for these patients. It was so fun to say, “We’re doing this for you.” If another young group of people my age had walked in and told me this during my treatments, I would have been ecstatic. I probably would have asked if I could come with them!
Whenever we explained the 4K for Cancer to a survivor, current patient, or a family member throughout the summer, it almost always brought tears to a person’s eyes. I could always see people’s appreciation in the sparkle of their eyes and the expressions on their faces. Sometimes I was fighting to hold back my own tears.
One of the aides on the floor, Trevor, was my age and took time out of his day to talk with us in the Ronald McDonald Family Room. This is a soundproof room on the unit where families can go to relax, make some food, and consult with the healthcare team. There are couches, counters, tables, and even a fireplace. The loud noises and smells of a hospital all disappeared as we walked into the family room. It was like a family room that is in every home. There was no better way to explain it. I had never seen anything like it and I knew that my family would have utilized this given the chance.
After talking with Trevor, he thanked us for what we were doing, explaining how much of a difference we were making. Trevor’s sister ran the Ronald McDonald House next door and they were both heavily involved in the community. It wasn’t until we asked why they were both so involved that we found out Trevor was a cancer survivor. This was the point where I was holding back my tears. Trevor was diagnosed two years before I was. We finished our treatments within months of each other and both obtained our aide certifications at the same time. I couldn’t believe just how much we had in common. I still cannot believe that Trevor has the mental capacity to work on the same floor that he was treated on. He goes in there, every day, with a smile on his face and provides the best care possible. He enjoys doing it and all the nurses we spoke to said he is the favorite. This was someone who was strong but also comfortable and confident with their survivorship. It was what I wanted to be like. I hoped that by the end of the trip I would be as confident and compassionate with my survivorship as Trevor and his family.
---Lake Tahoe---
Justin was the leg leader for this portion of the trip. This meant that before we arrived at our host sites, he was the person who called the host to inform them of an approximate arrival. The leg leader position changed every few days and there was something like eight or ten leg leaders throughout the entirety of the summer. They all shared the countless responsibilities and were the face of the foundation with whom our hosts talked with. Today was Justin’s last day as our first leg leader and he showed us what a real MVP he was. For lunch, he organized a donation of authentic Mexican tacos at Mari Chuy’s Mexican Kitchen in downtown Reno. It was amazing and filled my stomach to capacity. We were all hungry as we had been at the Ronald McDonald House since the morning and it was now late afternoon. As we sat outside, they started bringing us our food immediately. It felt strange to eat at a restaurant and not pay for anything. One of Justin’s family friends came over and sat with us while we ate. I am almost positive that he was responsible for the donation of today’s lunch. Justin’s family friend was also a race director of the Lake Tahoe Two-Hundred-mile race. We were all so appreciative of him and his generosity. I really enjoyed talking with him and added his race to my bucket list. After we all finished eating, he gave us all Buffs that we wore throughout the rest of the trip. The governor of Reno even came over to say a few words with us and take a picture. Justin was truly our MVP.
When lunch was over, we started to explore the town looking for postcards. As we were walking around, two ladies stopped us and asked what we were doing. They said that they saw us all wearing the same shirt and knew we had to have an interesting story. This was just another moment of countless moments throughout the summer where we talked with locals and shared our stories with them. I was starting to appreciate it and enjoyed talking with the people we bumped into. You never know who is next to you and how much you might have in common!
Lake Tahoe was about a forty-five-minute drive away so once our lunch was over, we took the vans north to King’s Beach. This was a tourist town that was located on the north shore of the Lake at 6,250 feet of elevation. You could tell that the population grew dramatically with the warm weather each summer. Gift shops and stores selling local arts and crafts were everywhere up and down the street. It was a cute town that I would love to go back and visit soon. For anyone that has been to North Conway, New Hampshire, this town is very similar except much smaller.
We set up camp at Kings Beach State Recreation Area where a lot of us lounged out on the sand and tried to soak up the sun. I don’t think I am speaking for myself when I say that it was significantly colder than I thought it would be. I ended up keeping my sweatshirt on for a lot of our time on the beach. A few of us ran into the water and dove in to get completely submergched. Seconds later whoever it was came running back onto the beach chattering their teeth. We all just wanted to say we had jumped into the lake! Everyone looking at us was probably laughing at our group. Between the random runner’s tans, the matching shirts, and all our hollering about the cold, anyone could have easily determined we weren’t from the area. We stood out so much.
After a while, a small group of us played the game “Never Have I Ever” as we dared each other to walk farther into the frigid water. I’m not usually a fan of this game but ended up having fun! Looking off into the distance as we stood there. chest-deep in water, I realized the glaciers this water came from were visible. Just on the horizon in the crevasses of the mountains, you could still see all the snow. It was frigid but was extremely recuperating on the muscles. Looking back, it was a natural ice bath after beating on our muscles for a few days. Laying on the beach, drying off in the sun was freezing and had me shivering, but the swim was totally worth it.
I remember at one point while we relaxed on Lake Tahoe, I tried to go for a run to stretch my legs. I was worried that the rest we had today would cause me more pain tomorrow as my legs started to heal and recover then be put under more stress. I thought running a mile to two might help dramatically with this since it would prevent my legs from tightening up. But as I started to run, I was reminded of the elevation and the cold. Lake Tahoe is over six thousand two hundred feet in elevation and I was feeling it. I was reminded of our climb through Lassen Volcanic National Park a few days earlier. As I thought about this more and stopped running, I was even more impressed with the fact that there is a two-hundred-and-five-mile race around this lake. Looking back now, that race is still on my bucket list. If I don’t go back to Lake Tahoe to run their race, I’d still like to go back and visit. The outdoors, the lake, and the skiing are extremely well known in the area. There’s a reason it is so popular among tourists and I am disappointed we only were able to spend a couple of hours there.
---Our First “Why” Meeting---
I want to start this portion of the blog by saying that my feelings about this are not meant to negate any aspect of what was said during the “Why” meeting. Everything that was shared with the group was not ignored nor was it taken lightly. There is no denying that it was an extremely important moment for the group. However, I think some of us felt that the format and timing of the event were not appropriate.
Team Boston had met Becca during orientation and had been in constant contact with her throughout our preparations for the summer. Becca was everyone’s main point of contact within the foundation. During orientation, it was nice to put a face to the name and the voice, but today a lot of us were surprised to see her. It wasn’t that we didn’t want to see her but to those of us on the team who were kept out of the loop, she kind of just showed up at our host site. We found out later that this was the only day she could fly home after traveling with the other running team for a few days. To make it easier, she was spending the night with us since we were closer to the Reno Airport.
Even though we were able to relax at Lake Tahoe and enjoy the weather today, I think many of us were extremely tired. We were emotionally drained from the day’s activities. For me, this had been a tough morning walking into the hospital, but also an inspirational one after talking with Trevor. It was a lot to think about and process. I know that the top priority on my mind was to roll out my sore muscles, eat, and then go to bed early. Others felt the same. Perhaps this was one of the many reasons that the team experienced our first divide when we should have been our most united.
After Becca got settled, brought her bags into the church hall, and said hello to everyone, she announced that tonight we would have the “Why” meeting. This meeting is an Ulman tradition within the 4K for Cancer teams. Essentially, everyone sits in a circle and takes turns explaining to the group why they chose to participate in the program. The idea was that by explaining our experiences with cancer and our other motivating factors that brought us together, the team would come closer together. It would remind us why we were running and give us even more to run for. We all knew that by exposing all our vulnerabilities, the meeting was bound to be extremely emotional.
This was our first team divide. About half the team was okay with having the meeting tonight and the other half wanted to put it off. It wasn’t that we were aware of this tradition before the beginning of the run. It wasn’t even that we weren’t aware of the fact that we had to share this emotional aspect of our lives that was often purposefully hidden from others. In fact, I think we all eventually benefitted immensely from this meeting. What brought the resistance was how unexpected this meeting was and after such a long day. For such an emotional, important, and vulnerable aspect of the trip, I think a lot of us would have preferred to mentally prepare a few days in advance. Additionally, some of us felt that this aspect of our lives was better shared in smaller groups, when we were ready, and in a more intimate setting rather than in a large circle. We also thought that even though we had grown close over the past five days of the trip and two days of orientation, we still hardly knew each other. For some of us, we felt forced to share this information, and very personal aspect of our lives, before we were ready to do so.
Multiple teammates on Team Boston spoke up and requested having the meeting pushed back a few days. I was one that spoke up and remained upset that the meeting was held anyway. I felt that we should have been united in our decision to have this meeting, not have the decision made for us. By the time we got started, it was almost eight o’clock at night and we had an early start sometime shortly before five in the morning. When you considered the length of time it took to share your story and tell all the details you always held back from telling, the meeting would be going into the early morning.
Becca went first and explained her reason she had joined the 4K for Cancer when she ran it a few summers ago. She explained her decision to continue working with Ulman as well and let her vulnerability show. Soon into her story she became emotional and started crying. As the night went on, almost everyone cried when they shared their story. A lot of others were crying while listening and a box of tissues was passed around. Some went in-depth and shared for over twenty minutes, while others only spoke for a few minutes. It was whatever everyone felt most comfortable with. I am refraining from saying what was said as this was an extremely personal moment for the team.
I remember sharing my story and the nerves that were associated with it. My heart was pounding so fast as I shared aspects of my cancer experience, I had previously only shared with my family. At one point, I cried. My voice was shaky. I wasn’t used to talking about this and certainly not with such a large group. It felt good to verbalize my experience with the team, but again, I did not appreciate the format. I felt as though I was sharing just so that the meeting could end. Although everyone’s stories were important and heartfelt, the long day was causing the intricate details to mush together. I knew that I was not gaining everything from this meeting that I could have if the format were different. I also knew that this was not at all how I pictured sharing my story with the people I would be running with for the remaining forty-two days. I was disappointed and this was the first time I was truly disappointed with an aspect of the 4K for Cancer.
As the night progressed, people became more tired. You could tell that the attention people were receiving as they shared what may have been the most vulnerable aspect of their lives, was not the same as those who had shared a few hours previously. You could watch people’s attention span shortening. The team directors, Brenna, Caroline, and Erin made the executive decision to end the meeting early. I was so happy. With the idea to continue the meeting on our next rest day, the half of the team that hadn’t shared would get the respect, attention, and appreciation they deserved. At this point, I think the team was in almost complete agreement this was a good decision.
Despite the format and timing of the meeting, this still stands as an extremely important part of the trip for the team. Even if not all of us agreed with how it happened, there was no denying that over the next few days, you could feel a stronger bond between those who had shared. There wasn’t any doubt behind the reasons Ulman had for maintaining this as a 4K for Cancer tradition. If we never shared this aspect of our lives, none of us would have created the friendships we formed or learned the lessons we did from each other.
That night, as I finally went to bed, I thanked whoever was listening for allowing me this opportunity. Not only was I already beginning to realize the significance of our “Why” meeting, but I was beginning to learn from everyone too. What people shared tonight was powerful, inspiring, and emotional. Being able to do what we were doing was going to teach all of us a lot. I only hoped that one day, I could have the mentality Trevor had when we were talking with him. The fact that he had utilized his survivorship as a strength was inspiring.
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